In recent weeks, while sidelined on my couch by either my being sick or E clinging to me like a sweaty, ginger starfish, I noticed a trend in a lot of conversations raised in my online mommy groups that bothers me. The newest harping point is not routine infant circumcision or vaccination or carseat safety (all the online equivalent of the H-bomb under the right circumstances), its on mothers "letting themselves go" and "losing themselves to mothering.". Moms criticizing other women in trenches of parenting for not being mom enough.
I should preface what I'm about to say with the admission that I am likely biased toward one side of this argument. I have two crazy, busy girls who I want to be able to do and see everything with every day. I want my time with them to matter. Because of that I am always tired and usually look like crap. While I'm always clean, makeup has become a rarity akin to tap-dancing unicorns. And that's fine with me because looking like a contestant on America's Next Top Model (is that even a show anymore?) is not my priority- my children are.
That is not to say that those mystical women who have both children and a full face of MAC don't have their kids in their forefronts of their minds, just that they prioritize life differently. Neither one of us is right or wrong. And when I see you in public I don't judge you for looking so good, I'm happy that you are happy. I am glad that you are able to strike compromises in your life that allow you to have the things you deem important in your life. All I ever hope for you is that you see the forest for the trees and don't judge women who struggle as much or more than you do every single day. So often we like to reflect on how, "Kids can be so cruel.". What we neglect to remember is that their mothers have the same capability to cut others down and reinforce the wrong lessons in their children without meaning to.
Because I forever hold out that hope seeing declarations of how miserable my husband must be to be married to someone who has "given up" hardens me a little more each time. Being preached to a la 1950's finishing schools about how you have to hyper-value your appearance to be a "good mom" is what bothers me the most however. A recent post read to the effect of, "I realized I don't value myself because I don't have my hair done, makeup done, etc. Now I'm doing it and YOU should be too because if you aren't you obviously don't value yourself either.". While I was happy for the original poster that she felt better about herself, why did her own feelings and circumstances have to be transferred onto other moms? Why does having a child make us experts on how other people should live their lives? When does being a friend turn into being a mom friend and a mom friend into just another one of those women who will judge you?
The Trouble with the Transience of "Mommy Friends"
I am luckier than most in that I have a strong core group of mommy friends: I am fortunate enough to have two B's (one in town, one in the city) who are both amazing, gentle moms to little boys (and city B's brand new baby girl!). I am blessed to have a sister-in-law that I love dearly. I have the sweetest American friend ever in J! I have my life-long not-yet-mama friends C and C that I treasure beyond words. I have online friends I want to meet so badly it pains me ;) . But I think one of the largest roadblocks I've encountered in the world of parenting and my own struggle for a sense of value is the transience of the "mommy friend".
As I write that last bit I feel like I'm titling a mystery novel even though its a phenomenon I've seen, been a victim of and have likely inflicted on other moms (dear those moms, I'm so sorry). The transient mommy friend is a woman you become so close to after bonding over your parenting battle wounds, your successes, your great fears and failings- and then one day she's no longer there. Maybe you drift apart and then one day realize you haven't talked in forever. Maybe you've had a new baby and she seems to effectively cut you out. Maybe you find yourself illogically angry with her because she seems to have an easier life as a mom than you. Maybe you struggle with the fact that outside of being moms you have nothing in common. Regardless of the reason it hurts.
It hurts because one of the great struggles of being a parent is in finding connection with anyone whose hands are not perpetually sticky, who can speak in full sentences and who understands the social etiquette of not running into the bathroom unannounced. You crave that human contact to both build your own "village" and to validate that your thoughts and feelings on anything and everything still have merit in the world...that you still have merit in the world.
Who Determines the Value of a Mother?
I for one would really like to know so I can just pick up my report card already (haha). But speaking frankly, what does a mom have to do to be enough? If you work, you should be home. If you're home, dear God you need to head back to work already! If you have it together, moms will hate you. If you don't have it together, moms will talk about you. What exactly is the standard for being the World's Okayest Mom? And is it okay to just be okay? Will your inability to forge the right connections in your village fail your child down the line? Has having birthed a little person made you inferior? Are you even valid anymore?
Sadly, as a young mom in the trenches, I have no answers as to how we should determine a mother's value. Am I enough? I don't know. I do however think on Layton's last statement to Canada (as I often do) when I think on mommy-kind's struggle for intrinsic value,
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world."So until the day we come together and change the world of parenting I'll be waiting to find out if I am mom enough...from the only people whose judgement will matter to us as mothers in the end.
